Narcissus

The Narcissus, or the Daffodil, a symbol of Springtime and my family's home country, Wales. Its name derives from Greek mythology, the story of which features in Book III of Ovid's 'Metamorphoses'.

To You

If you're reading this, I miss you :).

An Objective Self-Analysis?

Two days ago, I spent the evening with my cousins and their respective girlfriends plus a newborn baby boy. My cousins are twins and 15 years older than me and both live in London too. They kindly accommodated me and helped me out when I first moved to London some seven months ago. After that, I’ve rarely seen them since.

It was really lovely to see them again. We had drinks and ate lovely food in a rather opulent hotel restaurant near Embankment. It was all very civilised and enjoyable and, for the first time, we’re really getting to know one another.

However, my contribution to the conversation and responses to their general questions of interest in my activity and life has really prompted me to assess my outlook on things. I felt like ‘Mr Gloom’. Nothing was good enough for me. I moaned about almost every aspect of my life and it became a running joke that I was rarely satisfied with anything. This is a somewhat embarrassing personality trait.

Come to think of it, most of the time I write a post on my blog it’s to moan about something. Even now, I’m moaning about myself...

Why am I always so disappointed with people and things?

Am I ungrateful and unappreciative and do I just generally enjoy moaning? Or, on the other hand, do I simply know what I want and, if I’m not getting what I want, I’m not satisfied with it? I’d prefer to be the latter, although that’s entering the kind of territory where one can be criticised as spoilt and selfish. Maybe I am a little selfish and maybe I can be a little spoilt (God only knows who’s around to spoil me though, other than myself)!

It was rather interesting to have highlighted this part of my personality. For a moment, I stopped short and looked at myself objectively and I cringed at what I was hearing myself say.

I think I need to remind myself to be grateful for the things I have in my life and to consider myself lucky to have achieved the things that I have so far.

Fantasy

It can hurt. Living in a dream and then realising that fantasy isn't real.

Is it laziness or a manifestation of boredom and the desire for newer and greater things?

I’ve always been a perfectionist and I’ve generally always been a hard worker – both academically and in my employment. I succeeded throughout my academic career and, thus far, can’t complain at my professional achievements. However, day by day, my career ambitions and job satisfaction crumble down around me. I’m trapped in a vicious cycle.

It’s like a weekly battle within me: the young and ambitious lawyer versus the free-spirit who wants to travel, spend time making the most of life and channelling energy into more creative projects with a hope that, once and for all, I will finally feel satisfied.

This constant battle isn’t new though; it’s ever present. The intensity of the feelings fluctuates. From time to time they may rest silently in abeyance. But, I know that they will return. It’s something that I cannot shut myself off from.

I feel like a broken record caught constantly repeating the same expressions of woe, misery, frustration and confusion. For this, I apologise. I just don’t know how to deal with the problem.

Giving everything up at once for a complete change of lifestyle is an incredibly huge choice to make and carries with it phenomenal risks. But, I am still young and nobody is dependent on me. Perhaps now is the time to take the jump.

I know that I take what I have for granted. It’s a fundamental flaw in my being. I am lucky. But, I long to feel more satisfied. I long for time to focus on enjoying life. I don't want to be immersed in the numbing and absurdly obscure daily routine. Have human beings really evolved over the years to find ourselves, in the 21st century, caught up in a daily cycle that ultimately revolves around the misery of working for money simply to 'make ends meet' whilst making even more money for somebody else in the process? Don’t we all deserve to enjoy our individual presence, identity, life, opportunities and choices? Shouldn’t we be able to give things up, make mistakes, learn from our mistakes and take risks all in the name of searching for happiness, to be content and to enjoy every last minute that we have of our precious and short time on Earth?

Maybe I’m being naive. It’s possible that my thoughts are still clouded by childlike dreams of living in blissful happiness. But, I’d rather attack life with childlike naivety and learn from my mistakes than survive (un)comfortably within a box that society built for me.

Ideally, I wouldn’t have to work at all. However, this is, on the whole, an unrealistic prospect as, much to my dismay, we all need money. Thus, seeking employment that provides job satisfaction is key to a happier life.

Herein lies the problem. What career will give me complete job satisfaction? Will I ever feel satisfied? Am I just getting lazier and lazier as I grow or are my feelings genuinely well founded and simply a manifestation of boredom and the desire for newer and greater things?

The Daily Rat Race

A rat race is for rats. We're not rats. We're human beings. Reject the insidious pressures in society that would blunt your critical faculties to all that is happening around you, that would caution silence in the face of injustice lest you jeopardise your chances of promotion and self-advancement. This is how it starts, and before you know where you are, you’re a fully paid-up member of the rat-pack. The price is too high. It entails the loss of your dignity and human spirit. Or as Christ put it, “What doth it profit a man if he gain the whole world and suffer the loss of his soul?" - Jimmy Reid.

Reality is OK for a short break away, but I wouldn't want to live there.